Lately I’ve been lacking words. It isn’t so much perhaps that my mind is blank or that there is an incoherency in thought, but a lack of traction. I can’t get a hold of anything I’m thinking. I’m at one of those points in life where everything is swirling around me and I’m running forward but never leaving the center of the maelstrom which leads to a grand feeling of getting absolutely nothing accomplished no matter how productive I am from time to time. Although I do have to say there is even a lack of productivity lately. It’s not that I’m even procrastinating.
After a day of hurling myself at the edges of the maelstrom that is end of term / college graduation / going to SF / moving to France / mom in the ICU (more in a moment) I sit down with all intention of doing something and I lose it. Any sense of progress, energy, etc. I think okay, I’ll finish this one thing and then I’ll go to bed. I sit down, check my email (which seems to be ever piling up) and I forget. Completely, utterly, forget. There’s not even an inkling of eh, I don’t feel like doing this. And then I wake up the next morning saying, oh, I was going to work on that, well, damn. But of course I don’t have time to do it then because I’ve got to get up and get running again. Let’s just say I’m very glad summer is almost here and it’s light at 6am, or else this would be mildly impossible (leaving home at 7:30am to get to a 10am class, what :/).
Right now, I should be able to tell you how many days/hours/minutes there are until graduation, I should have senioritis like whoa, and my life should be revolving around how much awesomeness I can cram in. It remains that, graduation feels rather secondary and anticlimactic right now, I’m only mildly aware of the existance of school/work, and I’m seeing more of the inside of hospitals than I am of the sunshine. In fact, the overcast fog yesterday morning made me happy because I didn’t feel compelled to go out an enjoy it.
This month I went to NYC, which I think hit me with culture shock hard and much more than France ever did. I had an ovarian cyst rupture. Then, just as I had this amazing revelation and things finally clicked into place for school, my mom had a heart attack. Now she’s in ICU and we’re basically just waiting for things to improve… there’s not much to do. All this, so much in such a short period of time is why I’m lacking words. I just can’t grab onto them as they go whizing by me. But I think things are getting a bit more sticky. I was able to write this. Maybe tonight I can spend some much needed time working on projects. And then, once I’ve slept, I can work on things tomorrow. I’ve got a “day off”. We’ll see, for now I’m just taking things one moment at a time.