The last few days I’ve been pouring over my blog, making little changes to the layout and how things are archived. I’ve been stumbling upon things I wrote two years ago. Pieces aching with love and hope, despair, confusion, elation. I realise that although my struggle has been long and difficult it was never so bad as this winter.
My mom was my tether in this world. As much as I fought against it, I needed her, needed her needing me more than anyone ever realised. With her around I knew what my purpose was. Even in the months following her death I still felt attached because things were unfinished. But now, things are done. Untethered I became unstrung and risked nearly losing myself. All I wanted growing up was to be free from the feeling of obligation so that I could run after my dreams without worrying. I have that now. I’m running around Europe trying to find myself without that anchor.
Colliding with others I’m finding friends in further corners of the globe than I ever imagined. I still haven’t found the reserve of strength I once had. My passion is capricious. Somedays I struggle to find a point because I don’t know what I’m really working on right now. Getting my masters degree seems almost secondary to the rest of what is going through my mind.
Today I walked down to Greenwich Market and walked around looking for something my mom would have enjoyed. I bought a raspberry vanilla cupcake and wandered out of the market and into the park. I let my feet wander where they willed and found myself 3/4 the way up a hill under a large leafy tree. Turning I sat down to a skyline of London. I watched the families. Somewhere inbetween the sticky frosting and watching a brother and sister run down the hill with abandon it hit me how much like my mother I’m becoming.
My auntie’s A & J told me when my mom moved to Oregon and they met her she wanted to meet someone and start a family. It wasn’t just something that happened to happen, it was something she sought after. I can feel that same feeling nudging it’s way up through me. A seedling poking it’s way into my life.
Right now untethered, I need to heal before I attach myself again. I know I’ll never be the same person that I was, but parts of me I could stand with coming back, the parts that help me find my footing while I’m still lose on the world. Reading what I’ve written in the past, seeing the pictures I have taken, they help me put together the story of my life and lay it clear for me to understand the path that I took.
It happens to be mothers day, which may account for some of these thoughts, and definitely accounts for the reasoning behind the cupcake. But I’d like to say, happy mothers day to all you mothers, you’re rather important people.