I’ve been meaning to write for a few days, but in my post-dissertation state I haven’t found the words I wanted to say. So I waited. It seems strange to look back and think that I’ve completed my MA and have my life spread out before me, that I don’t quite know which path I’ll choose next and for the first time in my life this doesn’t scare me.
Having a solid plan with articulated goals and knowing my next step has been something that has defined me for a very long time. Working my way through school it was very easy to keep up this façade of surety. A was of course followed by B and C. Jumping off that track and into the world not knowing where I was going terrified me. I gave it a trial run in France and went running back to school to get my masters. I stuck to what I knew, but kept on exploring. On our first day our professors joked that the course would sometimes feel a bit like soul-searching that more than half of us would end up crying in a tutorial and several of us might even completely change what we set out to do. Naïve, we laughed.
I’m not afraid to be the first to admit that the program felt more like a personal journey than school at times – but when you’re working on creating a business centred around who you are as a person it becomes very hard to ignore what being that person means. There was an entire tutorial I spent crying and I know for a fact that I spent a lot of time growing. I knew where I was and what I was doing wasn’t working for me, so I removed myself from the situation. This summer, when I was supposed to be knee deep in research I took a month for myself and relocated to Copenhagen to dance. The decision meant much more to me than I thought it would.
By summer I had found solid ground beneath my feet again and by the time I came back from Copenhagen something had shifted inside me. I knew early on this spring that I was on the edge of something life changing. Instead of one massive smack-in-the-face instant where I realised something a series of tiny ticks like a cog slowly turning started up. By the time I returned to London the future wasn’t an impending problem to be solved or something to be feared. Still sometimes it’s nice to have some instructions, and as my life seems so surreal sometimes, this seems apt:
(my favorite author reading his poem Instructions)