trying to see the patterns in the shifting sands of time

Almost a year ago when I moved to London I did NaBloPoMo for the first time. NaBloPoMo started off as a riff on NaNoWriMo and now goes on every month.* I didn’t quite succeed last time, school and a bout of crippling depression caught me off guard. It wasn’t a complete wash though, I only really missed posting those last few days. This month, I’m going to try again, and I know I’m putting myself up against quite a few challenges, but I believe it’ll be worth it in the end if I do manage. Especially because the topic this month seems so apt to everything I have going on. While participants aren’t required to write on the topic, this month I believe that most of my writing will be circling the idea anyway as the topic is return.

September has always been a big month. There’s my birthday, the end of summer and the start of school. I’ve also got a few more family birthdays in there too. This year though, through some unplanned plans all falling together at the same time it’s so much more. Here’s a forecast of what I’m expecting, who knows what will really happen…

  • Amanda Palmer in concert
  • CB arrives from Oregon
  • Seeing As You Like It at The Globe
  • my 25th birthday
  • returning to Ireland
  • visiting Northern Ireland
  • Moving back to Eugene

That’s right. It’s official. I’m moving back to Oregon. Pretty sure at some point I swore I wouldn’t, but that’s the funny thing. Time passes and you grow and things that seemed impossible to the person you once were are entirely possible and even welcomed. When I left Eugene for the second time I still wasn’t in a position to be there. I needed to spend time as my own person and really stand on my own some more before I came back. My time in France started that, but I knew coming back after only 8 months was too soon.

The first reason is that I had never lived anywhere but Eugene. I have a soul that doesn’t feel at ease unless I get to take in more places, find how they fit with me and how they don’t. I desperately need that place called home, a little patch of ground to do with what I will, but I need to be able to fly. Nearly 23 years in Eugene was eating away at me. And now, almost 2 years later I’ve been able to call 3 more cities “home” – Dunkerque, London, and for a brief time Copenhagen. I’ve done a lot of growing and suddenly the idea of being in Eugene doesn’t feel so confining.

Secondly, I left 3 months after my mom passed away. I needed space and time to mourn in my own way. For some reason I needed people around me that hadn’t known me my entire life – it’s not that I wanted them out of the picture, but I needed to live without constant reminders of her life. That said, I know I haven’t let a single day pass since she died that I haven’t at least had a passing thought about her. In France I started to heal and figure out who I was now. I didn’t have my mom to help me figure it out anymore, and I realised how important a mother is to any child. Coming home was wonderful and very hard. And I let my dreams led me away again to London, I kept moving forward as only I could. This time, I’ll be going back after 12 months away. I’ve done a lot of work these past 12 months and I’m a lot closer to some of the people who I left behind. I’m at ease with, and even looking forward to returning home.

So there’s a lot of cyclical events occurring this month. I’ll find a way to publish something that captures it each day. Life is crazy, there are all these patterns and themes running through it that you can’t quite see when you’re in the midst of it and some even take years to materialise, but they’re wonderful things. This month will be a turning point, this summer I was on the edge of a big change, that I don’t think I ever properly wrote about, maybe in the days to come. This month though, I can feel it as a turning point, a gentle shift in directions; for once I don’t know which one and that excites me more than I can say.



*NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month
NaNoWriMo = National Novel Writing Month


Author: Monica

punk rock ballerina. writer. adventurer.

2 thoughts on “trying to see the patterns in the shifting sands of time”

  1. Wow… goosebumps…. I love that you EMBRACE challenges. When I was much younger, I did too…. then backed off, then leaned forward and tipped into change and then kicked and fought it. Bravo…. you are such a cutting edge and grasping what is happening so YOUNG! I am slowly getting over my initial reaction which is to say “No…. I don’t think I can”… and now say “What the heck, that sounds interesting, I’ll give it a try!”
    Now if I can just get this house put together! Then I can have a somewhat calmer place to come home to.

    Do I have some ideas for you you techi person you! I think you might be the person to help influence the way young people with disabilities see themselves!


    1. It will come together! And then we’ll be able to start something. I really think technology and the arts could help all the young people with disabilities. Excited to start talking about this when I get home.

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