Reminding Myself

I’ve been keeping the words in my head.
I think I’m afraid of what will spill out if I start writing again.
I keep starting and stopping, wondering how many people are reading and if that even matters. I know I have these words that want a life outside of my head, all these thoughts that need to be put out loud. Even my private diary’s pages stay blank.

That’s a lot of I’s and introspection. Self thinking when all I’ve been doing is trying to lose myself/find myself.
books, video games, dance, aerial
some things very me, an escape outside and inside myself depending on my mood.

I’m afraid to post my thoughts because some random person might not hire me because I’m not afraid to post the truth in the hell that is long term unemployment. I’m afraid to be not afraid. I just want to be me again and post the things I think and do the things the make me alive. I miss sharing these words even if I often question that they’re read by anyone but me. And of all the things that life has thrown at me I’m sitting here worried about doing one of the few things I’m good at because of some potential what if.
It isn’t right.

I’m running blind and I need some perspective.
i just looked up at a photo tacked to my wall. A reminder to myself I’m so used to seeing, that I forget:

a much needed reminder

I’m stuck in my own head and something has to give. It won’t be me. I should listen to the advice that I’ve passed on to so many others. Even though they aren’t my words an inevitably it all comes back around.

Maybe one of you needs this too.

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Author: Monica

punk rock ballerina. writer. adventurer.

2 thoughts on “Reminding Myself”

  1. For what it’s worth, I read you, every single post. What you write is helpful to me. I am also unemployed at the moment and I understand the feeling of losing sight of what you want, your mind trying to take over from your actions and your isolation growing.
    You’re not alone. And it’s ok to be afraid. So please continue sharing what you want to say, even if you think it is not worth it :)

    1. Oh, I thought I had responded already! Thank you for reading. I’m glad I’m writing things that you can connect with. I will continue to write. I hope you find work soon.

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